My husband and I just completed a road trip from Atlanta to Kansas City and back.  Somewhere along the way, I saw a sign that said, “Someday is today!” and many years ago I came across the saying, “Someday isn’t a day of the week!”  I love both of those quips and my mind sort of camped out on them for a bit as we traveled down the road.

All of us are prone to put things off at times.  Our reasons are as varied as we are and our excuses for putting things off can be rather elaborate.  Some of us have a greater tendency toward that malady than others.  In fact, some of us are chronic procrastinators.

The Dominant (D) type personality typically isn’t afraid of a challenge and prefers to “attack” a task and get it over and done with so that they can move on to the next task.  And, nothing feels better to them than to be able to check those things off their list.

However, one thing that may cause them to procrastinate is when they face a situation or task they surmise they may not be able to “win” at doing.  D’s don’t typically like playing anything if they don’t think they can win, so if a task seems too daunting or is one for which they lack the necessary skills to do adequately, they are likely to put off that task as long as possible.

The Inspiring (I) type individual is prone to putting off things that don’t have an element of fun to them or a task that would take a lot of time to complete.  I’s like short-term projects, so the thought of doing something long-term tends to de-energize them and gives them reason to procrastinate.  And, certainly if the task does not have an element of fun to it, they will not be motivated to even start it.

Of all the personality styles, the Supportive (S) type has the greatest tendency to put things off until another time.  One of their mottos seems to be, “Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?”  Or, maybe this one: “I’ll do it when I get around to it.”

For the S-type, the thing that seems to cause them to drag their feet the most in starting a project or task is the “how-to”.  If they are unclear on how to do what they need to do, they are very hesitant to start.  And, if it is a task they must do alone, it may become one of those things they put off until tomorrow.  They much prefer doing tasks with someone else, or better yet, a team of people.

The Cautious (C) type personality is driven by rules and doing the “right thing,” so if they have determined that the task at hand is something they “ought” to do or is the “right thing” to do, they are not as likely to put it off.  However, they are also agenda and schedule driven, so if the task they are asked to do isn’t on their self-made schedule or agenda, they may be resistant to doing it and want to put it off as long as possible.

One thing is certain; procrastination can cause all of us a good deal of stress no matter what our personality style.  When we put things off until a later time, they seem to compound because life doesn’t stop until we decide to do them.  It then becomes easy to reach the level of overwhelm, which only serves to complicate the matter.

But, since this is a self-inflicted malady, it is something that we can eliminate by adopting and utilizing the mantra, “Someday is not a day of the week!  Someday is TODAY!”

I am a speaker/trainer/coach and I would love to speak at your next event or help you maximize your potential. To find out more, go to www.align90.com

Many years ago I was a fan of the Earl Nightingale learning tapes.  I invested in several different programs in order to turn my car into a university on my long commute to work.  It kept my mind engaged in learning, rather than in the frustration of work traffic.  It was a great investment!

One of the programs I purchased was Anthony Robbins’ Awaken the Giant Within.  I loved what I heard and I enjoyed the enthusiasm with which he shared.

Recently, a friend and I were in conversation and she quickly got up, excused herself and said, “Wait a minute.  I’ll be right back.”  She came back carrying his book by the same name and handed it to me, suggesting that I might like to read it.

It has been years since I encountered that information, some of which I had retained, but much of which I had forgotten.  After reading just a couple of chapters, I decided to buy the book so I could mark it up and not have to give it back.

One of the things Robbins talks about is the kind of words we use in order to describe how we are feeling or what we are experiencing.  His belief is that we often live limited lives because of the limiting vocabulary we use to describe it.  Let me give you an example.

When someone asks you how you are, what is your typical answer?  Mine is usually “fine” or “good.”  Now, there isn’t anything wrong with those words, but they are rather benign and unexciting.  They don’t stir anything up in my mind or emotions.  They don’t energize me.  They just sort of lie there.

Tony Robbins’ theory is that if we use more exciting words, we will feel more energized and set ourselves up to be what we say we are.  So, I decided to try a little experiment.

First of all, I got online to find a list of all the words describing emotions so that I could choose from it the words that described how I wanted to be and feel.  I was shocked!  Are you aware that there are many more times as many words to describe our negative emotions than there are positive ones?  It’s true!  One list I found had ten columns, only TWO of which were positive emotions.

Anyway, I have begun to practice using many more words to describe how I feel and choosing ones that are more exciting.  I like what I am experiencing.  Now, when someone asks how I am, I am FABULOUS or ENTHUSIASTIC, or EXCITED!  And do you know what?  I am!  Those words make me feel more alive and enthused about my day and my life.

This is just one of the things I’m learning and using from that book.  I highly recommend it to you!  It is chocked full of life-changing information if we will but implement it in our lives.

Why not pay attention to the words you use on a regular basis and exchange them for something more powerful and life-inducing?  I think you will like the results!

I am a speaker and trainer and would love to speak at the next event for your group, church, business, or club.  For more information, go to www.align90.com.

Expectations – we all have them. We come pre-programmed with some of them and others come from our conditioning or environment.  We have expectations of ourselves and of others and those expectations dramatically impact our behavior.  When there is a gap between my expectations and yours, that is when conflict generally happens.  So, what are some of the pre-programmed expectations we have?

Those who are Dominant, Direct, Demanding, Decisive, Determined, Doers expect others to move at the same fast pace with which they move.  They expect results.  They expect others to cut the “fluff” and get to the bottom line when talking with them.  They expect there to be a really good reason for any interruptions you may bring to their work day and a purpose behind each request made of them.  They expect people to have the same focus and intensity they do when it comes to getting things done.  In other words, they have high expectations of others.  But, when it comes to what they expect from themselves – that is a different story!  They tend to want to reserve the right to change their expectations of themselves if and when necessary or desired.

The Inspiring, Impressionable, Influencing, Interactive, Impressive type tends not to hold high expectations of themselves or of anyone else either.  That’s because they like to “go with the flow” and often have a more carefree outlook on life.  They want the freedom to choose in the moment what they will or won’t do and are frequently willing to allow others to do the same.  Having said that, however, the one expectation that they do have is that everyone else adhere to the same expectation.  They can become quite frustrated or angry when others want to hold them to a stricter standard.

What about those who are Supportive, Stable, Sweet, Shy, and like Status Quo?  This type holds herself to a higher standard than she has for others.  She is much more willing to allow others more grace than she is willing to give herself.  In fact, one of the greatest stressors for this type individual is that he or she tries desperately to meet the expectations of others and in doing so, often over commits.  They will swear to their own hurt rather than inconvenience someone else.  Whatever they commit to doing, they do.

Finally, the Cautious, Competent, Careful, Calculating, Conscientious type has the highest expectations and standards of all.  They expect a lot out of others and the same of themselves.  They follow the rules (whatever they may be) and expect you to do the same.  They expect that you be on time, follow the prescribed procedure for a task, and keep your word.  There is little to no latitude or grace given if you fail on any account.  Failure and deep disappointment are feelings they are very familiar with because their standard of perfection is rarely met – by themselves or anyone else.  This level of expectation causes great inner stress and frequent misunderstandings or conflict with others.

So, then, what is our typical response when these differing expectations are not met?  The Dominant (D) type often responds with angry and sometimes explosive outbursts.  The Inspiring (I) type typically resorts to blame.  Because both of these types are Outgoing, they tend to be very verbal when upset.  I liken them to skunks who spray their “stink” and walk away.  After they spew, the pressure is released and they are able to let it go.  However, they have left a trail behind them and can’t quite understand why everyone else isn’t over it, too. The Supportive (S) type will often respond to unmet expectations by holding a grudge.  In fact, they are sometimes prone to collecting them.  The Cautious (C) style is likely to keep a running list of your offenses and could tell you the dates, times and occasions when you have let them down.  This type of response can lead to bitterness.  I compare these two types to turtles.  Because they are Reserved, when they are hurt or offended, they become silent and withdraw into their shell.  And, it is not unusual for them to stay in the safety of their shell for a long time. .

What do we learn and what is the take-away from this?  In the training classes I do, there is a powerful saying, “You cannot BEWARE of something till first you are AWARE.”  When you become aware of your own level of expectation and typical responses, you can choose to respond differently.  You begin to understand that not everyone has the same expectations you do and hopefully will become willing to grow in your ability to offer some grace when they go unmet by others.

I am a speaker and trainer and would love to speak at your next event. To learn more about me, go to www.align90.com.

Did you get an allowance when you were growing up?  Some of us were given generous allowances.  Some received less.  And, some received none at all.  A few of us were wise and saved some of our allowance.  A few spent all they received.

Every day each of us is given another kind of allowance – 24 hours in which to live life the way we choose.  It is the same allotment of time for everyone.  There is no inequity in this gift.  Time, however, is different than money; we cannot save it or bank it.  We can only spend it.  And, once it is gone, it is gone.  We cannot retrieve it.

Did you know that not everyone views time the same way?  The way we view and spend our time is greatly affected by our personality style, just as everything else we do is affected by it.  So, let’s take a look at each of the different styles to see if we can gain some understanding, because as you will see, the differences can be a source of great misunderstanding and frustration.

Before I jump into it, however, let me just refresh your memory a bit.  Remember that the Dominant (D) type personality is all about results, getting things done, forward motion, and achieving goals.  The Inspiring (I) type wants to have fun, go with the flow, have flexibility, and enjoy life along the way.  The Supportive (S) type is laid back, helpful, enjoys team-work, and likes the “tried and true”.  And, lastly, the Cautious (C) type is detail-oriented, structured, proper, and correct.

With that little bit of review, then, let’s see how our traits tend to influence our view of time.

The Dominant type individual tends to attack time.  They have places to go, things to do and people to meet.  They are on a mission and time is short for them.  Because they are “doers,” they tend to wake up in the morning with a to-do list a mile long and frequently feel there is just not enough time in their day to get everything accomplished that they want to do.  And, for them, it is all about the task.  They are not keen on anything that interrupts their mission.  So, if you are not on their list for the day, you are not a priority.  I know that feels harsh and hard, but it is true!  And, please realize that it isn’t personal.  It is just that their priority is accomplishing their goal for the day, which is to check everything off their list as completed.

The Inspiring type tends to be very flexible with their time.  In fact, they don’t want to feel restricted by time or a schedule.  They prefer to fly by the seat of their pants.  In other words, they like to just sort of flow from one task or event to another.  And, if a distraction comes along to interrupt their work, it tends to be welcomed.  They much prefer talking and visiting and socializing.  They tend to fill their day with all sorts of activities, the more the better, and especially if those activities involve a lot of other people.  If you are not aware of this and happen to be another personality style, this c’est la vie attitude toward time can be very frustrating and you will find yourself constantly irritated.  They are not intentionally being disrespectful when they are tardy.  They are just not as driven by structure as some of the rest of us.

The Supportive type individuals also tend to be more flexible with their time.  Because their focus is on helping people, they can often become distracted from the task at hand, and give their time to someone who needs them.  They will lay aside whatever they are doing in order to lend a helping hand.  That is admirable, but can often get them in trouble when having done that causes them to be behind in their other obligations.  They also live life at a slower pace, so they do not appreciate being rushed to do anything.  In fact, the more you try to rush them, the slower they become.  They need plenty of time to accomplish something, so if you expect them to do something quickly, you may be sorely disappointed.  When working with them, respect their slower pace and give them the space and time they need to do what you are asking.  Remember, their goal is to please!

Cautious type personalities tend to live by a schedule.  They even have a detailed, well-thought-out plan and schedule for their vacation!  Life is more comfortable and manageable for them when it is structured.  They also tend to think and live in increments.  To them, being on time means being 5 to 10 minutes early.  They hate being late to anything!  For them, they would rather not go someplace than to be late.  In their mind, that is rude.  They are on time and they expect you to be on time as well.  And, they tend to be insulted if you are not punctual.  Like the D’s they also have an agenda for their day and do not appreciate interruptions.  While the I-type person may welcome a distraction, the C-type does not.  If you value your relationship with them, make an appointment when you need to talk with them.

When we misunderstand this issue of time for the different personalities, we tend to judge and label others.  The D we may judge as hard, harsh and uncaring.  The I-type we may label as irresponsible and rude for being late.  The S-type we label as wishy-washy or slow.  The C-type may be characterized as cold and unapproachable.  But, when we learn to value each person and understand the way they view life, it does two things: 1) It helps us to respect them and be more cognizant of what they need to perform well; and 2) It helps us not to take their behavior personally.

We need to be aware of how our own personality and actions affect others and make the adjustments we need to make in our behavior so that we are not offensive to others.  And, we also need to be aware of other people’s personalities so that we can appreciate the differences and fulfill the scripture that says, “…as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18).

I am a speaker and trainer. I would love to have the opportunity to speak to your group. To find out more about me or to book me for an upcoming event, go to www.align90.com

According to a recent Gallup Poll, seven in ten American workers are disengaged from their work.  That means that 70% of the people who get up and go to work every day are basically just going through the motions of their job, doing only what is necessary, in order to collect a paycheck at the end of the week.  That calculates (according to the same poll) to a whopping loss of $450 billion to $550 billion per year to our economy.

I don’t know about you, but that astounds me!  It also saddens me because life is just too short to be miserable every day or to be only going through the motions.  Where is the joy in that?  Why are so many missing the fulfillment that should accompany the work they do?

I don’t claim to know all of the answers to those questions, but I do know two main reasons for this alarming statistic.

Reason #1: Poor Work Relationships

The first reason is because of poor work relationships, either with a co-worker or a company leader.

Let’s face it, we have all worked alongside of or under someone who has caused us stress, given us a headache, or generally made it difficult to go to work each day.  We have all had situations where just the thought of having to deal with some particular person caused our stomach to churn and tie in knots.

When that happens, our tendency is to stay as far away from that person as possible.  We tend to tolerate them until we can figure out how to eliminate them!  That attitude keeps us from being actively engaged in the work that needs to be done and drains the energy and creativity right out of us.

Reason #2: The Wrong Environment

The second reason I believe so many American workers are disengaged is because they are doing work that has no meaning to them and does not come from a place of passion.

We all know that some plants need full sunlight while others do best in the shade.  Some need a lot of water while others prefer a drier climate.  We also know that you cannot feed every species of animal the same diet and that each species needs a different kind of environment in which to thrive.  People are no different.  Some need to be surrounded by the hustle and bustle of a busy and highly interactive environment in order to be truly productive.  Others need quiet and seclusion to function best.

The problem is that many in the workplace have never taken the time to understand what kind of environment works best for them and what kind of work suits them.  Oh, they may realize that they aren’t happy doing what they currently do, but often they haven’t invested the time necessary to discover what would energize them and make going to work more pleasurable.

So, where can you get help if you find yourself in either of these situations (or both)?  The first, and I believe the best place to start is in understanding the DISC Model of Human Behavior.

When you understand how you are uniquely “wired,” can learn what your needs are and what kind of environment will cause you to thrive…not just survive.  You understand what motivates and energizes you, how you tend to make decisions and communicate.

Once that happens, you can also learn how other people tend to operate, what they need, and how they would like you to communicate with them.

The DISC Model of Human Behavior is the most powerful tool I know of to address both of these situations and help bring some resolution to this growing and alarming statistic!

If you would like to know more about the DISC Model of Human Behavior and how it can help you, go to my webite: www.align90.com. 

I am a speaker and trainer and would love the opportunity to present this powerful tool to your group or company. Find out more about me at www.align90.com.

Part 1 of this series laid the foundation of what it means to live alive and out loud.  In Part 2, I discussed what that looks like for those who are the D and I-type personality styles.  (If you don’t know what that means, you might want to look back at some previous blogs.)

In this final Part 3, I want to finish with the S and C-type styles.  And, remember, we are all a blend of all four of the personality styles, to greater or lesser degrees, so be sure to read them all and decide which of the four styles is strongest in you.

The D and I-types from Part 2 are Outgoing.  That means they travel through life at a fast pace.  They are active and interactive.  They way they live alive and out loud, is in many cases, literally out loud!  They are vocal and make themselves seen and heard.

The S (Supportive) and C (Cautious) styles are more Reserved.  They are naturally quieter and more subdued in their approach to life.  They tend to prefer living behind the scenes, working quietly.  So, the way they live life alive and “out loud” looks very different than the two we discussed earlier.

For the Supportive S-type, life is most enjoyable when they are able to function in a peaceful environment that is free from tension and chaos or a lot of change.  They are happiest when they can work as part of a team and where their gifting of support and encouragement is appreciated.

Relationships are very important to this style of individual, so they love having the opportunity to build those relationships by listening, serving, and encouraging.  Spending time with family and friends is a large part of what makes them feel alive and service is their “out loud” expression.

When situations are chaotic, there is too much change, or there is a lot of tension in their environment, the S style person is likely to withdraw and may become uncommunicative.  When under too much pressure, they are likely to also sleep more than normal.

Those who are the Cautious C-types naturally prefer working alone.  They thrive in an environment that is quiet and allows for them to think, process information, right what is wrong, and do the detailed planning and work they value.

They enjoy life and are living out loud when they are able to use their knowledge and skills to make processes smoother and more efficient.  They generally like to read, do research, or work on very technical kinds of projects.  When their brains are firing on all cylinders is when they feel really alive.

If they are required to be with a lot of people for an extended period of time, they feel drained and will often suddenly be missing from the crowd, as they have gone to look for a place they can retreat to and be alone.  They, too, will often become silent.  Unless part of their blend is more Outgoing, they can give off the air that they don’t care what is going on, they are not going to be involved!

I hope this has been helpful and that you have a pretty good idea of what your blend is so that you know what kind of environment makes you feel alive and able to live out loud.

If you would like to take an assessment to find out for sure, just go to my website (www.align90.com) and find them under the SHOP tab.

(I am a speaker and trainer who would like to speak for your next event. To find out more about me, go to www.align90.com.)

In Part 1 of Living Alive, I talked in general about what it means to live alive and out loud.  Today I want to talk more specifically about what that means for the Dominant and Inspiring personality styles.  (If you aren’t familiar with the Model of Human Behavior, you might want to go back and read some of those earlier postings.)  I will finish this series with the Supportive and Cautious styles in Part 3.

But, before I get into it, let me remind you that we are all a blend of all four personality styles.  The majority of people have at least two styles that are more predominant than the others.  Some have three more predominant styles.  And, a few have only one style that is dominant.  So, please keep that in mind as you read because more than one section may apply to you.

Living alive and out loud for the D (Dominant) type personality involves movement and forward motion.  Nothing is more frustrating for this style than to be stuck in status quo!  They need to feel as if progress is being made on whatever they may be trying to achieve.

Risk and change help the D style to feel alive.  They like to “shake things up,” do something daring, be on the front, cutting-edge of life.  They like to lead rather than follow, which keeps them pioneering.  These things energize them and make them want to do even more and keep pressing forward.

When that is not the case, D’s can spin out of control, feeling restless, agitated, pushy, and less and less tolerant.  Patience is not a natural quality for this style of individual anyway, but when this need for forward motion is denied, impatience rises quickly to the top of their emotional scale.

For those who are I-type (Inspiring) personalities, living alive and out loud includes lots of activities, interaction with others, and fun!  I’s don’t typically like to sit still.  They want to be on the go and involved in many different kinds of activities.  Nothing is more draining to them than inactivity or the inability to communicate and interact with others.

The I style is emotionally charged when their social calendar is full and there are many and varied opportunities to be with others.

When life isn’t fun for these individuals, they can become whiney and pouty.  And, if life remains stale for them, they can sink into depression.

I want to finish this section with a personal story.

My personality style is D/I/C (Dominant, Inspiring, Cautious) and all three of those characteristics are very strong in me, though I have slightly less of the Cautious type than the other two.  The S (Supportive) style is nearly negligible in my make up.  Both the D and I are Outgoing, and both the D and C are Task-Oriented.  These facts are important to my story.

I decided to step out and leave the security of a J-O-B and start my own speaking/training business.  While the thought of that was exciting, scary, and definitely pioneering for me, it also positioned me to work from home.  Alone.

And, if you have ever done anything like that yourself, you know that there is a lot of technical work to be done.  Websites to be built, social media connections to be made, copy written for those websites, and a million other tasks to be done.

Besides that, it is more difficult to walk away from work that needs to still be done when you work from home.  The beginning and closing work hours are not as set as when you work for someone else.

Anyway, I began to notice that my mindset was turning very negative.  I found it difficult to lay aside work.  It was always on my mind and the work never seemed to be complete.  I had to revise and re-visit many tasks I thought should be finished.  I became so task-focused that there was no time or room for fun.  Plus, the Cautious part of me wanted things to be perfect the first time.

I didn’t feel as though I was making any progress, nothing seemed to ever be perfect and finished, and life certainly wasn’t any fun!  I felt duller and duller.  I was not living alive and out loud!

When I began to understand what was going on, I had to make some adjustments.  I had to make myself take a break and purposely fill my mind with something besides work…at least for a little while.  I had to release my expectation of this kind of work ever being “done” and realize that it is all a fluid process.  I also had to give myself the opportunity to get out of the house and away from the desk so that I could meet people and do some activities that were fun and energizing to me.

Living alive and out loud requires that we know how we are “wired” and giving ourselves good self-care.  I may have remained stuck in that cycle of frustration and depression for much longer had I not understood what the inherent needs of my particular personality blend are and how to address them.

I encourage you to discover your own blend and learn how to work with it so that you can live alive and out loud, too!  (Don’t forget to read next week’s Part 3 in order to find your complete blend if you didn’t find it here.)

I am a speaker and trainer and would love to speak at your next event. To learn more about me, go to www.align90.com.

Do you know how some people get up in the morning and move around, but they aren’t really awake?  It sometimes takes them hours to be fully awake and responsive.  Their eyes may be open but their minds are functioning slowly and they don’t like to engage in conversation.  They sort of just shuffle around until they wake up.  My husband is like that.  I tease him and tell him that the lights are on but nobody’s home until about noon.

Some of us, however, are awake the moment our eyes open in the morning.  Our minds kick into high gear before our feet hit the floor.  Our internal motors are revved and ready for whatever the day may bring.

I have read several things lately that talked about living out loud and living alive. That strikes a chord in me.  Just like the person who is fully awake and ready to face the day, I want to live like a woman alive – fully alive, aware, feeling and experiencing.  In fact, I wrote that in my journal.  And, as soon as I penned it, I realized that in order to do that, I must be willing to be vulnerable because it is impossible to feel and experience only good.  With the good, bad will also come.

In order to be fully alive, I will be vulnerable to hurt, fear, discouragement, frustration and a whole gamut of negative emotions.  But, I say, “Bring it on!” because I am willing to endure that in order to also experience life at its fullest!  I want to feel joy and have a life well-lived.

To do otherwise is to live life only half awake, like the first person I described.  To live only partially responsive, dulled to what is happening around you.  To live as though you are anesthetized…feeling neither pain nor joy.

Sometimes life beats us up and beats us down to the point that we give up.  Or we get confused about what we should do so we do nothing.  Or we’ve been hurt by relationships so we refuse to allow anyone to get close to us again.  We hold others at arms-length.  But, let me ask you, is that really living?  I don’t think so!

Mind you, when I said, “Bring it on!” I did not say it glibly because I know that the enemy of my soul is crafty.  He delights in throwing fast balls and hard balls that catch me off guard.  He wants me to live under a cloud so thick I can’t see the sun.  He delights when I isolate because of hurt.  He is ecstatic when am caught in the quicksand of depression and can’t seem to find my way out.

But, I am reminded that my God is greater in me than my enemy.  He has made me more than a conqueror!  He has made me royalty.  He has made me to reign!!  And, not just me…He has made you that, too!

We were not created to shuffle through life half awake.  We were created to LIVE and live alive and out loud!

Will you join me?

(In Part II I will discuss what living alive looks like for each of the four different personality styles.  Stay tuned!)

Now we are getting down to where the “rubber meets the road.”  We have discovered the different personality styles, blends, needs of each style, and briefly discussed those characteristics in moms and children.  All of that is great information to know.  However, just giving you information is not my goal!  Scripture encourages us in Proverbs 4:7 to “acquire wisdom (knowledge)” and to also “acquire understanding.”  It is in the application of our knowledge that real power comes!  Not only do I want you to know this information; I want you to understand how to put it to work in your relationships because I believe that you would agree that most of the pain and frustration you experience in life is because of your relationships.

And nowhere does this show up more frequently or dramatically than within the family.

Today we are going to begin a series of discussions about what happens when you stir all these different personality styles together, much like you would combine ingredients in a recipe.  And, I want to share some of my personal experiences as a D-type wife and mom.

As I have said before, my husband and I have five children, so as you might well imagine, there is a great variety of personality styles at play within our home.  My style blend is D/I/C with the D and I at the top of the chart, but my C is also quite high.  That means that I have a double task-orientation because of my D and C characteristics.  While my I style is very high, which gives me a large people component, it is often outweighed by the task side.  I ran a tight ship and my focus was on getting things done quickly and efficiently.  I expected obedience and compliance with the rules.  We could have fun after responsibilities were taken care of.

One of our daughters is also primarily D and she was our strong-willed child.  From the time she was born, she wanted to be in control.  And, of course, as a High D myself (and the mom), I was determined to be in control!  This created an almost constant tug-of-war between us.  I wanted things done my way, in my time.  She wanted to do things her way and when she got ready.  It was a very frustrating relationship – until I learned this information and realized what the problem was.  When I understood her need for choice, challenge and control, I began to look for ways that I could meet those needs and help reduce the stress between us.  Whenever possible, I gave her the freedom to choose between two different options.  I also gave her a measure of control over her schedule.  For instance, if there was a chore that was her responsibility, I would tell her that she could do it whenever she chose as long as it was done by the set time.  I cannot tell you what a difference that small adjustment made in our relationship!

One of our sons has a large I component to his personality style which meant that he was fun-loving, wanted few restrictions and rules, and lived in the moment.  He was full of creative ideas, but the issue that created in our relationship was that he was just as passionate about one idea today as he was a completely opposite idea the next.  That seemed very illogical to me and never seemed to be thought through, so when he would excitedly come to me with an idea, I would immediately ask questions like, “Have you thought about this?”  “What about that?”  Because I tend to think logically as a C and see the “big picture” as a D, my mind naturally tracked that if he wanted to do “X”, then he would need to do “A”, “B” and all the other letters in between, to accomplish his goal.  So, my intention in asking the questions was to help him see what needed to be done.  He didn’t see it that way!  To him, I was raining on his parade – crushing his dreams.  It was devastating to him.  When I realized how he viewed my questions, I was broken-hearted and promised to listen and hold my tongue the next time.  I was able to explain the motive behind my questions to him and he realized that I hadn’t meant to hurt him or crush his dreams.  That understanding between us revolutionized our relationship!

Another son is a very laid-back S.  He was never demanding, mostly compliant, and was very easy-going.  He was our easiest child in the sense that he was content with just about anything and everything.  Nothing was a big deal.  He didn’t mind waiting his turn.  He didn’t mind getting things for his brother and sisters when asked – which they did a lot!  We had to constantly remind him that he wasn’t anyone’s slave and that he could say ‘no’ to their requests.  It was difficult for me to understand his laid-back attitude.  As a D, I always had a goal that I was driving toward.  He wasn’t as driven.  I always had a strong a opinion about everything.  He didn’t.  I was always highly motivated.  He…not so much.  I was ready to charge hell with a water pistol; he was hesitant to initiate any action at all.  Until I learned this information, I judged his responses to life as lazy, unmotivated, and lacking initiative.  Then I realized that my way of looking at things wasn’t necessarily right and his wrong – they were just different.  I learned to appreciate the fact that he works at a steady pace; that he is calm in the face of storms; that his emotions are more level and not all over the place as mine often are; that he is the voice of reason.  He needed me to relax in my approach to him, soften my vocal tones, and lessen my intensity.  When I was able to do that, he felt safe to talk to me and our relationship changed.

My husband’s high styles are S and C, both of which are more reserved than my outgoing D and I.  We have always had a great relationship, but the one area of struggle for us has typically been in the difference between our pace.  I am an on-the-go, get-it-done, do-it-now kind of gal.  My husband, on the other hand, likes to relax, think things through before initiating action, and reluctant to start something until he is sure he has all he needs to complete the job.  I get recharged by doing something or going somewhere; he recharges by more sedate activities like watching a movie.  Early in our marriage I couldn’t understand how he could be so accommodating and involved with people at work and then be so seemingly reclusive at home.  It hurt my feelings!  When I began to understand that it was not an affront to me, but only a different way of recharging, I was able to give him the space he needed to do that.  Giving him that space allowed him to then be able to interact with me in the way I needed later on.  I also learned that I needed to give him time to process information before making a decision and quit expecting an answer “now”.  And, he learned to give me a time when I could expect an answer.

Relationships don’t have to be as difficult as we often make them.  Understanding can go a long way in smoothing the waters and making life more pleasant for everyone!  We will look into this further in upcoming articles.

If you would like more in-depth information about personality styles, or would like to find out more about your own, visit my website at www.align90.com.  And, if you have a women’s group, business or ministry team who would benefit from learning more about how to effectively work together, I would love to work with you!  

In last week’s article, What Kind of Mom Are You? we took a look at how some of the personality traits are exhibited in you as a mom.  As I have said before, even though these articles are painted with broad strokes, it is important to remember that none of us is purely one personality type.  We are all a blend of all four styles.  While I will again be painting with broad strokes as we discuss your children’s traits, they, too, are a blend of all four personality styles.

No doubt you have heard the term “strong-willed” child and perhaps, like me, you have one.  Actually, I have more than one!  This is the D child who enters the world with a lusty scream.  They seem demanding almost from the moment they arrive.  They readily let you know when they are hungry, need their diaper changed, or are unhappy.  It is almost as if they come out saying, “I’ve come to take over your world!  I am now in control!”  When they can talk, one of the things you are likely to hear often is, “I can do it myself!”  They are independent, determined, and dogmatic and they are not afraid of a challenge.  In fact, challenges seem to light their fire!  They need choice, challenge, and control.

The I child is a bright-eyed, happy little soul who almost never meets a stranger.  They coo and smile for everyone.  They are the ones who say ‘hi’ to everyone from the grocery cart as they are wheeled through the store.  They want to be entertained and to entertain others.  Their antics can almost always make you laugh.  However, they are easily bored because their attention span is short.  They thrive on activity.  They typically are early talkers and never seem to stop.  They always have something to say!  They usually have lots of friends and may even be voted most popular at school.  Either that, or class clown.  They are touchy-feely kinds of kids whose emotions are likely to be all over the place.  They need approval, recognition, and to be liked by everyone.

A little S baby often enters the world with hardly a peep.  They are pleasant, agreeable and the opposite of demanding.  In fact, they are typically content wherever they are.  Their pace is much slower than that of a D or I child.  They may seem to move in slow motion when compared to others.  They can play alone quietly for long periods of time and if another child should take their toy, they don’t usually make a big fuss.  They tend to be cuddly children who like to be held or to be close to you.  They also tend to be a bit shy and uncertain when placed in new surroundings.  Change is uncomfortable and it is in the face of change that you may experience resistance from them.  They are sweet and thoughtful.  Unlike the child who has a lot of I characteristics and is friends with everyone, the S child typically has one of two close friends.  While everyone loves their sweet demeanor, they tend to not be as social as the D or I child.  They need appreciation, security and assurance.

The C-style baby approaches everything with suspicion and caution.  When adults coo and make on over them, they are often met with icy stares that seem to say, “What kind of idiot are you?”  You can truly almost see the little wheels turning in their heads as they try to figure things out.  They rarely smile, no matter what antics you may use in an effort to get them to do so.  They prefer quiet activities that can be done alone like reading or puzzles.  They typically make good students and are fascinated by learning.  The question most often on their lips is, “Why?”  Social events are uncomfortable because they often find it difficult to initiate conversations and feel inept to do so.  They thrive on order and may be almost obsessive about having their “space” neat and tidy.  They also prefer to operate on routine schedules.  The needs of this type child are quality answers, excellence and order.

Life gets very interesting when you combine a number of these different personality traits under one roof!  We will take a look at some of the challenges that may create on your home front next week.

If you would like more in-depth information about personality styles, or would like to find out more about your own, visit my website at www.titus2consulting.com.  And, if you have a women’s group, business or ministry team who would benefit from learning more about how to effectively work together, I would love to work with you!