Now we are getting down to where the “rubber meets the road.”  We have discovered the different personality styles, blends, needs of each style, and briefly discussed those characteristics in moms and children.  All of that is great information to know.  However, just giving you information is not my goal!  Scripture encourages us in Proverbs 4:7 to “acquire wisdom (knowledge)” and to also “acquire understanding.”  It is in the application of our knowledge that real power comes!  Not only do I want you to know this information; I want you to understand how to put it to work in your relationships because I believe that you would agree that most of the pain and frustration you experience in life is because of your relationships.

And nowhere does this show up more frequently or dramatically than within the family.

Today we are going to begin a series of discussions about what happens when you stir all these different personality styles together, much like you would combine ingredients in a recipe.  And, I want to share some of my personal experiences as a D-type wife and mom.

As I have said before, my husband and I have five children, so as you might well imagine, there is a great variety of personality styles at play within our home.  My style blend is D/I/C with the D and I at the top of the chart, but my C is also quite high.  That means that I have a double task-orientation because of my D and C characteristics.  While my I style is very high, which gives me a large people component, it is often outweighed by the task side.  I ran a tight ship and my focus was on getting things done quickly and efficiently.  I expected obedience and compliance with the rules.  We could have fun after responsibilities were taken care of.

One of our daughters is also primarily D and she was our strong-willed child.  From the time she was born, she wanted to be in control.  And, of course, as a High D myself (and the mom), I was determined to be in control!  This created an almost constant tug-of-war between us.  I wanted things done my way, in my time.  She wanted to do things her way and when she got ready.  It was a very frustrating relationship – until I learned this information and realized what the problem was.  When I understood her need for choice, challenge and control, I began to look for ways that I could meet those needs and help reduce the stress between us.  Whenever possible, I gave her the freedom to choose between two different options.  I also gave her a measure of control over her schedule.  For instance, if there was a chore that was her responsibility, I would tell her that she could do it whenever she chose as long as it was done by the set time.  I cannot tell you what a difference that small adjustment made in our relationship!

One of our sons has a large I component to his personality style which meant that he was fun-loving, wanted few restrictions and rules, and lived in the moment.  He was full of creative ideas, but the issue that created in our relationship was that he was just as passionate about one idea today as he was a completely opposite idea the next.  That seemed very illogical to me and never seemed to be thought through, so when he would excitedly come to me with an idea, I would immediately ask questions like, “Have you thought about this?”  “What about that?”  Because I tend to think logically as a C and see the “big picture” as a D, my mind naturally tracked that if he wanted to do “X”, then he would need to do “A”, “B” and all the other letters in between, to accomplish his goal.  So, my intention in asking the questions was to help him see what needed to be done.  He didn’t see it that way!  To him, I was raining on his parade – crushing his dreams.  It was devastating to him.  When I realized how he viewed my questions, I was broken-hearted and promised to listen and hold my tongue the next time.  I was able to explain the motive behind my questions to him and he realized that I hadn’t meant to hurt him or crush his dreams.  That understanding between us revolutionized our relationship!

Another son is a very laid-back S.  He was never demanding, mostly compliant, and was very easy-going.  He was our easiest child in the sense that he was content with just about anything and everything.  Nothing was a big deal.  He didn’t mind waiting his turn.  He didn’t mind getting things for his brother and sisters when asked – which they did a lot!  We had to constantly remind him that he wasn’t anyone’s slave and that he could say ‘no’ to their requests.  It was difficult for me to understand his laid-back attitude.  As a D, I always had a goal that I was driving toward.  He wasn’t as driven.  I always had a strong a opinion about everything.  He didn’t.  I was always highly motivated.  He…not so much.  I was ready to charge hell with a water pistol; he was hesitant to initiate any action at all.  Until I learned this information, I judged his responses to life as lazy, unmotivated, and lacking initiative.  Then I realized that my way of looking at things wasn’t necessarily right and his wrong – they were just different.  I learned to appreciate the fact that he works at a steady pace; that he is calm in the face of storms; that his emotions are more level and not all over the place as mine often are; that he is the voice of reason.  He needed me to relax in my approach to him, soften my vocal tones, and lessen my intensity.  When I was able to do that, he felt safe to talk to me and our relationship changed.

My husband’s high styles are S and C, both of which are more reserved than my outgoing D and I.  We have always had a great relationship, but the one area of struggle for us has typically been in the difference between our pace.  I am an on-the-go, get-it-done, do-it-now kind of gal.  My husband, on the other hand, likes to relax, think things through before initiating action, and reluctant to start something until he is sure he has all he needs to complete the job.  I get recharged by doing something or going somewhere; he recharges by more sedate activities like watching a movie.  Early in our marriage I couldn’t understand how he could be so accommodating and involved with people at work and then be so seemingly reclusive at home.  It hurt my feelings!  When I began to understand that it was not an affront to me, but only a different way of recharging, I was able to give him the space he needed to do that.  Giving him that space allowed him to then be able to interact with me in the way I needed later on.  I also learned that I needed to give him time to process information before making a decision and quit expecting an answer “now”.  And, he learned to give me a time when I could expect an answer.

Relationships don’t have to be as difficult as we often make them.  Understanding can go a long way in smoothing the waters and making life more pleasant for everyone!  We will look into this further in upcoming articles.

If you would like more in-depth information about personality styles, or would like to find out more about your own, visit my website at www.align90.com.  And, if you have a women’s group, business or ministry team who would benefit from learning more about how to effectively work together, I would love to work with you!