Expectations – we all have them. We come pre-programmed with some of them and others come from our conditioning or environment.  We have expectations of ourselves and of others and those expectations dramatically impact our behavior.  When there is a gap between my expectations and yours, that is when conflict generally happens.  So, what are some of the pre-programmed expectations we have?

Those who are Dominant, Direct, Demanding, Decisive, Determined, Doers expect others to move at the same fast pace with which they move.  They expect results.  They expect others to cut the “fluff” and get to the bottom line when talking with them.  They expect there to be a really good reason for any interruptions you may bring to their work day and a purpose behind each request made of them.  They expect people to have the same focus and intensity they do when it comes to getting things done.  In other words, they have high expectations of others.  But, when it comes to what they expect from themselves – that is a different story!  They tend to want to reserve the right to change their expectations of themselves if and when necessary or desired.

The Inspiring, Impressionable, Influencing, Interactive, Impressive type tends not to hold high expectations of themselves or of anyone else either.  That’s because they like to “go with the flow” and often have a more carefree outlook on life.  They want the freedom to choose in the moment what they will or won’t do and are frequently willing to allow others to do the same.  Having said that, however, the one expectation that they do have is that everyone else adhere to the same expectation.  They can become quite frustrated or angry when others want to hold them to a stricter standard.

What about those who are Supportive, Stable, Sweet, Shy, and like Status Quo?  This type holds herself to a higher standard than she has for others.  She is much more willing to allow others more grace than she is willing to give herself.  In fact, one of the greatest stressors for this type individual is that he or she tries desperately to meet the expectations of others and in doing so, often over commits.  They will swear to their own hurt rather than inconvenience someone else.  Whatever they commit to doing, they do.

Finally, the Cautious, Competent, Careful, Calculating, Conscientious type has the highest expectations and standards of all.  They expect a lot out of others and the same of themselves.  They follow the rules (whatever they may be) and expect you to do the same.  They expect that you be on time, follow the prescribed procedure for a task, and keep your word.  There is little to no latitude or grace given if you fail on any account.  Failure and deep disappointment are feelings they are very familiar with because their standard of perfection is rarely met – by themselves or anyone else.  This level of expectation causes great inner stress and frequent misunderstandings or conflict with others.

So, then, what is our typical response when these differing expectations are not met?  The Dominant (D) type often responds with angry and sometimes explosive outbursts.  The Inspiring (I) type typically resorts to blame.  Because both of these types are Outgoing, they tend to be very verbal when upset.  I liken them to skunks who spray their “stink” and walk away.  After they spew, the pressure is released and they are able to let it go.  However, they have left a trail behind them and can’t quite understand why everyone else isn’t over it, too. The Supportive (S) type will often respond to unmet expectations by holding a grudge.  In fact, they are sometimes prone to collecting them.  The Cautious (C) style is likely to keep a running list of your offenses and could tell you the dates, times and occasions when you have let them down.  This type of response can lead to bitterness.  I compare these two types to turtles.  Because they are Reserved, when they are hurt or offended, they become silent and withdraw into their shell.  And, it is not unusual for them to stay in the safety of their shell for a long time. .

What do we learn and what is the take-away from this?  In the training classes I do, there is a powerful saying, “You cannot BEWARE of something till first you are AWARE.”  When you become aware of your own level of expectation and typical responses, you can choose to respond differently.  You begin to understand that not everyone has the same expectations you do and hopefully will become willing to grow in your ability to offer some grace when they go unmet by others.

 

I am a speaker and trainer and would love to speak at your next event. To learn more about me, go to www.align90.com.

 

 

Tags: Personality, Relationships